fall: out of the blackness

Time and tangerines,
joy and jelly beans.
Fruit slices memories slipping
out of wholly messed up scenes.

Nothing and neverminds,
lies and left behinds.
Out of the blackness, revelry,
the desires of humankind.

Moments and mysteries,
clues and chemistry.
Nineteen was not the age of reason
and neither will twenty be.

But,
it's like everything I know
comes after the fact
and nothing that I say
will change after that,
you know?

The first time I tried posting this, blogger wasn't being cooperative and decided not to let me. I realised that I had not added any form of commentary to this one. I can't remember exactly when I wrote this, but the emotional basis of the poem is still very much present. The very last stanza was something that has been in my head for a long time now, and it was on saturday morning where I realised what exactly they meant to my subconscious. There is a certain futility to trying to change the past, especially if it isn't your own past.

fall: cul-de-sac (reprise)

Walking,
walking down a cul-de-sac
of once faded dreams
and tomorrows lacking
justification.

Learning,
learning slowly to forget
the recurring fears
and yesterdays getting
ambiguous.

I wished it would move forward faster
and make these emotions past.
Time to go a long long way
to escape the long todays.

For some reason, after writing yesterday's piece, I totally ignored that same dead end road today when I went past it. Like so many things we remember or realize after the fact, and fail to notice before we got there. Right now I am feeling somewhat unhappy, because I am losing sight of what I have and trying to tell myself I can't have what I want.

fall: cul-de-sac

Walking,
walking down a cul-de-sac
of worn down houses
and memories lacking
definition.

Drizzling,
drizzling on an autumn night
when faithful echoes
ring out bygone delights
remembered.

I wished it just decided to pour
and bring forward the eventuality.
Bring me home at the end of the road
and allow my mind some clarity.

every morning on the 172 i pass by the back of the road that leads to the back of kimback plaza. tonight while i was waiting for the evening shuttle back home, the light drizzle of rain falling down somehow converged with the feelings i got everytime i saw that little dead end road. there is a lot of poetry in the things in life. this is just me trying to work something out.

fall: suddenly

Suddenly,
the clouds came to obscure you from me.
Suddenly,
the moon seems to shine less brightly.
Suddenly.

Suddenly,
the view I had of you was blurry
Suddenly,
the things I knew became hard to see.
Suddenly.

And without me wanting to leave,
I can't say I still believe.
Sometimes life betrays you to
the things you didn't need.

Suddenly,
I want to be over this memory.
Suddenly,
I knew I was mistaken to dream.
Suddenly.

And without me wanting to leave,
I can't say I still believe.
Sometimes love betrays you to
the ones you couldn't read.

This is perhaps not really writing about what I am feeling, but a combination of emotions that seem to arise when problems collide. Last night I had a conversation which was particularly sobering. The grass always seems greener on the other side, and it really didn't matter what the fence was. But that expression seems to always indicate a flaw in the reasoning or jealousy being displayed. I think that's not true. Maybe life is such that everything else will always seem better because it really is. Only problem is that once we get to where we thought we wanted to go, things change and we're stucking running towards some distant goal again. Who knows? But this writing had little to do with the content of said conversation, but simply the situation.

fall: it's nice out there

When it is warm it is nice
but the cold breeze can bring some respite.

The sun is brilliant in the sky
but clouds hide troubles at proper times.

A little more or a little less
doesn't make life not a mess.
A little good or a little bad
doesn't make life any less mad.

One can have no coin without heads or tails;
why choose one when both avail.

Returning to Chicago again this September, while difficult in its own way, was also comfortable. It's hard to believe that it has been a whole year since I first came here, and I have almost forgotten how hard it must have been for me to regain a feeling of control or balance. Being swarmed with homework, having to get used to a whole new way of life, just being alone. All of these things must have been a huge challenge. But at the end of the day, I'm here and I realise that sometimes we simply have to look at the bright side, or look beyond the troubles, and just push on ahead.